Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Grief - One Month

The alarm goes off and a new day begins.
My first thought - He's still not here.
I pray.  Not with words, for words do not come easily anymore.
My heart, my soul, cries out to God,
A silent plea,
"I do not want to do this!"
The words from a Psalm come to mind.
'God is close to the broken-hearted'
And my heart breaks once more.

The cat walks through the room
Reminding me of things to be done.
The weight of it all falls on me as I arise.
Sadness descends, a presence unseen and unwanted but always near.
I shuffle through a fog, struggling to concentrate on the daily routine.

I miss him more than I ever could have imagined.
Memories of him fill my mind,
Everything seems to remind me of him.
I yearn for one more hug, one more 'I Love You'.
I check my phone waiting for a call or text from him,
But these things are not to be.
I have moments - none of them good.
Tears come unexpectedly.
Are you okay? A stranger stops and asks
I'm fine, I mutter
Thinking all the while that I may never be fine or good or happy again.

Like a kid with a much loved toy
I sleep with his things - his pillow, his robe, his shirt
I spend the night keeping these things close to me
Hoping to hold on to his presence just a little bit longer.

I do not want to do this...
The alarm goes off and another day begins.


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