It's a line from a song, "I cried a river over you." I am certainly attempting to do just that. There have been lots and lots of tears. The shock and numbness from the first few weeks after Bobby's death has lifted and has been replaced with tears. The tears come suddenly, usually without warning. There are many different things which now bring tears.
- Coming across something with his name on it - I totally lost it when I received the flag case with his name engraved.
- Mornings - Oh how I miss seeing him in the mornings. Getting up, getting ready, and heading out to work without a kiss and an 'I love you' is HARD.
- Loading the dishwasher - He usually handled that.
- Sitting still - At random moments during the day, memories flood my mind and break my heart.
- Afternoons - I still find myself checking my phone for a call or text from him.
- The morning drive with KLOVE - I am praising God with a broken heart. God understands.
It has also been a month for questions and comments from others. Why do people ask 'how are you doing' if they don't want to know the answer? Someone, who knew that Bobby had passed, asked me that and when I said 'not good' (honestly, it had been a bad day), this person actually began to slowly back away from me. I still am puzzled by that reaction.
Here are the most frequently asked questions and my current honest answers:
- How are you? I am okay. Okay is not the same as good. I don't know when I will be good again.
- Isn't it time to start moving on with your life? I am moving on. This is what moving on looks like for me.
- You know what Romans 8:28 says...? Yes, I do know that all things work together for good to those who love God. But right now I'm just trying to comprehend the reality of Bobby's death. It is bad. I need God, the Comforter. Tell me about Him.
- What are you going to do? I don't have any future plans. Right now I'm just trying to get through today.