Stormy Weather

It is the little things.  The ones I don’t see coming until, Bam! – there it is and I find myself suddenly undone.  Today’s little thing was a church donation envelope.  The envelope for April 26, 2015 is the last envelope for Bobby & Julie.  The last one – another reminder that life has changed and next Sunday’s envelope will be from Julie alone.  

Then there are the big things.  Our anniversary is coming up next month and my mind is already trying to come up with ways to avoid that date.  I’m not looking forward to it and am considering possible healthy ways to handle that day.  There doesn’t seem to be a direction book for how to handle holidays.  I struggled just to get through Easter.  I cried through church and all through Life Group.  (I love those good people who have so graciously put up with my Sunday morning tears.)  I wish I knew how I was supposed to do this on the holidays.

I went on a short solo retreat of sorts earlier this month.  Took a short trip to Orange Beach, AL as a time to pray and reflect.  It rained off and on.  I spent time laying in a deck chair doing nothing and thinking nothing which is something I rarely/never do.  I prayed, I read Scripture, and I cried.  I walked on the beach and along the water’s edge.  I sat in the sand and stared at the seemingly endless expanse of water.  I cried some more.  Woke up early Sunday morning to the sight and sounds of a storm rolling in across the Gulf.  I sat on the balcony, listening to the roar of the ocean’s waves, and watching the rain fall.  There was wind, thunder, and lightning.  I thought of Job.  In the midst of Job’s grief, there is a storm. 

“A voice roars: He thunders with His majestic voice, and He does not restrain the lightnings when His voice is heard….Stand and consider the wonders of God.  Do you know how God establishes them, and makes the lightning of His cloud to shine? Do you know about the layers of the thick clouds?”  (Job 37:4,15,16) 

My plans for the trip involved a few warm sunny days.  Instead, God gave me rain.  Even in that storm, God was at work creating a new day – a wet, cool, gray day.  Stormy days are not bad.  They are a part of God's creation.  This storm has caused me to slow down.  I've held on to God a bit tighter because He is my Comforter.  Life is still often overwhelming and I'm so glad He has a plan, because I really don't have much of one at all.  I also know storms are temporary.  There will be time for sunshine later. 

I had hoped for some great insight as to what my future will look like without Bobby.  I had hoped to gain peace about all those tomorrows I face.  Instead, I returned home with an appreciation of the importance of living in the here and now.  I have many good memories of life with Bobby.  One day I will be able to fondly look back on our life together.  That day is not yet here.  Right now, looking back puts me in a dark, sad place and I find myself tempted to stay there in the past just replaying certain memories over and over.  I could get stuck there.

I haven’t spent very much time thinking about the future.  Looking ahead brings worry and anxiety.  I can not wrap my mind around the idea of living the rest of my life without Bobby.

So I prayerfully am going to attempt to walk through this season of life focusing on the here and now.  To just live this one minute now, this one hour now, this one day now is my goal.  I know that I do not walk alone.  Even in this storm, this grief, this loss, God is at work this day.  

This is the day which the Lord has made...

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Grief - Month Two

 It's a line from a song, "I cried a river over you."  I am certainly attempting to do just that.  There have been lots and lots of tears.  The shock and numbness from the first few weeks after Bobby's death has lifted and has been replaced with tears.  The tears come suddenly, usually without warning.  There are many different things which now bring tears.

• Coming across something with his name on it - I totally lost it when I received the flag case with his name engraved.
• Mornings - Oh how I miss seeing him in the mornings.  Getting up, getting ready, and heading out to work without a kiss and an 'I love you' is HARD.
• Loading the dishwasher - He usually handled that.
• Sitting still - At random moments during the day, memories flood my mind and break my heart.
• Afternoons - I still find myself checking my phone for a call or text from him.
• The morning drive with KLOVE - I am praising God with a broken heart.  God understands.

David wrote in Psalm 6, "I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping."  This I understand.  I seem to be filled with an endless supply of tears.

It has also been a month for questions and comments from others.  Why do people ask 'how are you doing' if they don't want to know the answer?  Someone, who knew that Bobby had passed, asked me that and when I said 'not good' (honestly, it had been a bad day), this person actually began to slowly back away from me.  I still am puzzled by that reaction.

Here are the most frequently asked questions and my current honest answers:

• How are you?  I am okay.  Okay is not the same as good.  I don't know when I will be good again. 
• Isn't it time to start moving on with your life?  I am moving on.  This is what moving on looks like for me.  
• You know what Romans 8:28 says...?   Yes, I do know that all things work together for good to those who love God.  But right now I'm just trying to comprehend the reality of Bobby's death.  It is bad.  I need God, the Comforter.  Tell me about Him.
• What are you going to do?  I don't have any future plans.  Right now I'm just trying to get through today.

 I am blessed with great friends though.  I am so grateful for the phone calls, the texts, the visits, the help, and the dinner invites.  God has truly given me an awesome support system to help me during the time.

Grief - One Month

The alarm goes off and a new day begins.
My first thought - He's still not here.
I pray.  Not with words, for words do not come easily anymore.
My heart, my soul, cries out to God,
A silent plea,
"I do not want to do this!"
The words from a Psalm come to mind.
'God is close to the broken-hearted'
And my heart breaks once more.
 
The cat walks through the room
Reminding me of things to be done.
The weight of it all falls on me as I arise.
Sadness descends, a presence unseen and unwanted but always near.
I shuffle through a fog, struggling to concentrate on the daily routine.

I miss him more than I ever could have imagined.
Memories of him fill my mind,
Everything seems to remind me of him.
I yearn for one more hug, one more 'I Love You'.
I check my phone waiting for a call or text from him,
But these things are not to be.
 
I have moments - none of them good.
Tears come unexpectedly.
Are you okay? A stranger stops and asks
I'm fine, I mutter
Thinking all the while that I may never be fine or good or happy again.

Like a kid with a much loved toy
I sleep with his things - his pillow, his robe, his shirt
I spend the night keeping these things close to me
Hoping to hold on to his presence just a little bit longer.

I do not want to do this...
The alarm goes off and another day begins.

 

Bobby Powell

My husband and my partner - I love him so much.  This is the obituary write-up from Baldwin-Lee.  I thought they did a good job putting this into words.  

In Memory of  Robert "Bobby" Powell

August 17, 1951 - January 20, 2015

Obituary

Robert W. "Bobby" Powell, 63, passed from this life Tuesday, January 20, 2015 in Brandon.

Visitation will be 5:00-7:00pm, Friday, January 23, 2015 at Baldwin-Lee Funeral Home in Pearl. Funeral services will follow at 7:00pm in the funeral home chapel.

Bobby was born Friday, August 17, 1951, a son of the late Wiley T. Powell and Dessa Hobson Powell. A native of Pearl, Bobby graduated from Pearl High School in 1969. A natural athlete, Bobby played baseball in school for many years. He was considered for Major League recruitment but opted to enlist in the military. Bobby proudly served our country in the U.S. Army and was stationed in Korea's Demilitarized Zone (DMZ).

Before retirement, he worked for many years as an electrician in the Jackson area. Bobby's favorite times were spent with his family and friends, and he particularly enjoyed Christmas and birthday celebrations. A true animal lover, more than once Bobby brought home stray or abandoned dogs he had found to love and care for. He also had a keen interest in collecting Coca Cola memorabilia.

Bobby had a strong Christian faith and walked with God. He was a member of Broadmoor Baptist Church in Madison. He had been active within several AA groups and supported the church's recovery ministry. He loved to share his faith with those who were struggling with addictions.

As many know, Bobby was a talented and gifted musician, writing and performing many original songs. He also played several instruments, including guitar and piano. His music will remain in the hearts of all who were honored to know and love Bobby.

Survivors include his wife of 23 years, Julie Magee Powell; son, Robby Powell; daughter, Kerri Raspberry; grandchildren, Mackenzie Powell, Brooklyn Powell, Codi Ray, Robby Powell and Chance Dent; brother, Donnie Powell; and sisters, Sandra Price and Patsy Neese.

Memorials may be made to the American Heart Association at www.heart.org.

To Behold TheGlory

To behold the glory of Jesus means that we began to find Christ beautiful for who He is in Himself. It means a kind of prayer in which we are not simply coming to Him to get His forgiveness, His help for our needs, His favor and blessing. Rather, the consideration of His character, words, and work on our behalf becomes inherently satisfying, enjoyable, comforting, and strengthening. 

-John Owen (1616-1683)

Reflections from John

 I read the gospel of John over the last two days.  I am so use to reading scripture by the chapters, usually a chapter or two per day.  But this week's assigned reading for a class I'm taking was The Gospel of John - all of it.  Thought I would share some of my reflections on the big picture reading of John.

Jesus spends a lot of time in John explaining who He is.  He is the Word, the Light, the Way.  He is one with the Father and I Am.  John emphasizes that Jesus and God are One.  To know Jesus is to know God.

I have been many of the people John wrote about.  I’ve been the woman at the well trying to hide her shameful past, a life gone wrong with no idea of how to fix things.  And then I too met Jesus.  I’ve been the blind beggar living in darkness, reaching out the best I could, hoping that someone would help me.  And then I too met Jesus.  And Jesus changed everything.  

He who comes from above is above all (John 3:31).  There is nothing outside the sovereignty of Jesus.  There is no problem, no situation, no thought, no struggle that He cannot walk into.  If I will trust Him, He will walk with me and will be a light in the darkness.  He gives me life.

The fields are white for harvest (John 4:35).  Jesus gives us a job.  He gives me purpose.  There is work to be done.  He sets an example by talking with the Samaritan women.  A good Jewish male would never have spoken to an unmarried Samaritan women who was living in sin.  Jesus broke several cultural rules by sitting down alone with her and engaging her in a conversation which led to her spreading the news that the Messiah had arrived.  One thing I love about recovery ministry is the opportunity to speak into the lives of those who don't fit it and those who continue to live with the mistakes of their past.   

I love the imagery of sheep in the gospels.  Jesus, the good shepherd, calls and the sheep hear his voice.  I am praying to hear His voice more clearly and for discernment to understand His call.  One of my favorite bits of Scripture is Jesus telling Peter to “Feed my sheep.”  This has great meaning for me personally because I believe that I have been called also to help take care of His sheep.  I want to help that poor lost sheep who goes astray find its way back into the flock.  

Who am I?  I am alive.  I am loved.  I am fed by the living bread and refreshed by the living water.  I have been set free indeed by the One who is the Light of the world.

A thought from Psalm 81

I imagine heaven is a place filled with music!  Scripture seems to mention singing and making music a good bit. Psalm 81 begins with a call to worship God with music.

Sing aloud...

Shout for joy...

Raise a song...

Can't you just feel the excitement building as voices are raised to God?

Sound the tambourine...

The sweet lyre...

The harp...

Blow the trumpet...

An orchestra joins the choir and a mighty sound of joyful music rises to the heavens in worship and praise of The Lord our God. And the song that is sung continues as we join in today!